*Blows dust off blog*

So...it's been awhile but I'm back, and you're here, so let's dive right in and get started making 2018 our best year yet. That may sound like a lofty goal, but I believe in us and I've found a great system to help get us on our way.

New Year's typically comes with revelry, reflection, and resolutions. We set our writing goals (some of them recycled from the year before...and the year before that...and the year before that...) and convince ourselves this year will be the year we finish our manuscript, get published, or land an agent. The thing is, it takes more than motivation and a pretty planner to see our dreams come to fruition. A lot of us know what we want and why we want it, but have no idea how we're going to get it done.

A huge part of figuring out how, is understanding that a key component of goal setting is an action plan. And by plan, I mean both the noun and the verb. In order to achieve our goals we not only need a detailed strategy but also to decide and arrange in advance how we're going to execute our strategy.

This is where the SMART goal system comes in.

SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time Bound and the system brings organization and perceptibility into our goal setting. Here's how:

S is for Specific.

What exactly is it you're trying to achieve? Why this goal at this time? Who is going to be part of your process? What are the limitations or restrictions? Are there acceptable alternatives? The more specific you are with your goals, the clearer they become. The S is the difference between "I want to be published." and "I want to be published by Riptide."

M is for Measurable.

The M is what keeps us from getting overwhelmed. It breaks our larger goal down into manageable chunks which yield tangible results. How? Part of making sure your goal is measurable is establishing deadlines for getting things done and determining how you'll track your progress. For example one of my 2018 is to expand my online social circle of fellow writers and publishing peeps. Social anxiety and my general tendency to be the most awkward of turtles means I have a relatively small group of online peers (but they are AWESOME and I love them). One of the ways I plan on changing that is by actively participating in online events, joining message boards, being active on my social media platforms and speaking up in writing related chats. I plan on measuring how successful I am in increasing my peer group by having a specific goal of making two new contacts every three months. That may not sound like much, but for someone with my awkwardness and anxiety it's a challenging, but not entirely impossible goal. Most to the point though, it's measurable.

A is for Attainable.

Don't set yourself up for failure. Making two new contacts every three months is an achievable goal for me; making ten is not. The key to keeping a goal attainable is knowing what steps you're going to take and evaluating whether or not you have the skills or resources needed.

R is for Relevant. 

This one is pretty self explanatory. Your goal has to be important to you or you're going to lose motivation quickly. Ask yourself why you want to want to reach this goal, what's the objective and whether or not it's really worth investing your time, effort, and energy.

T is for Time Bound.

Set a firm deadline for completion. Firm. Deadline. Be realistic. be precise, and be accountable.

So there you have it, guys. The SMART way to reach our writing goals in 2018. The cool thing about this system is you can apply to pretty much anything that requires long range planning.

Talk to me, fam. What are your 2018 writing goals? How can the SMART system help you reach them? Leave a comment and let me know.

Teddy Roosevelt once said "Comparison is the thief of joy" and truer words were never spoken, especially when it comes to us creative types.

Whether you're a writer or a wedding planner, part of being a successful creative is knowing what's going on in your industry. What's in, what's out, what's now, and what's next are questions you should know the answers to. Getting those answers means being aware of your peers and what they're doing, how they're doing it, and who among you is doing it so well that they're literally winning all the awards.

Seeing someone succeed or achieve at an incredible level in your industry can be inspiring and motivating...or it can be a trap.

There's a fine line between inspiration and envy. Inspiration fuels your artistry whereas envy feeds your insecurity. It takes you to a place where nothing you do or have done shines as bright, means as much, or is as good as the person (or people) you're comparing yourself to.

And that my friends, is a creativity killer.

So how do we avoid it?

The truth is...we can't, not really. We see someone else doing what we want to do or are trying to do and being so successful and so talented that we're both awestruck and intimidated. We tumble down the rabbit hole of wanting and wishing and feeling inadequate. That's human and it's okay that we fall down.

The thing is though, we can't stay down. We have to climb up out the hole. What's for you is for you and you won't find it stumbling around in the dark wishing you had someone else's light.

So how do we get back up?

Refocus on yourself and your journey. You may not be on their level (it is what it is, fam) but that doesn't mean you can't be great where you are. Challenge yourself. Work on your weaknesses. Build on your strengths. Commit to being the best version of yourself, producing your best work. Realize the person you're idolizing is most likely comparing themselves to someone else and feeling they come up short. Make the goal progress rather than perfection.

Be motivated. Be inspired. Be amazed, but above all else, be you because that's something no one else can do as well as you can.

There aren't a lot of people who having their work critiqued, but for an author it can be especially excruciating. Some of us have a tendency to blur the lines between our work and ourselves, so much so that we forget a critique of our words is not a statement about our worth.

Writing is an intensely personal endeavor. We spend hours casting individual threads until they weave together to form the stories of our characters and the worlds they inhabit. So, it's understandable that after all that hard work anything less than a glowing critique can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Understandable or not, the reality is critique and criticism are necessary parts of the writing process and learning how to give and give both are essential to the business of being an author. No matter how carefully you proofread or objective you try to be, you're never going to catch all of your mistakes or be able to step back far enough to take in every angle. Critique is critical to you success. No one is saying you have to like it, but you do need to learn how to accept it without losing your confidence, ending up on a "badly behaved blacklist", or ruining professional relationships.  So here are a few tips I've learned about accepting criticism, correction, or critiques thus far:

• Woosah

When researching how to brand myself as an author, one piece of advice I continually run across is to steer clear of "controversial" topics. Conventional wisdom says in order to avoid upsetting or offending potential readers, publishers, editors, and other authors, I should refrain from discussing them or maintain a neutral position.

I understand why this is the recommended route for an author (especially someone like me who's pre-published)  to take. The internet is forever and we've all seen celebrities damage their brands and reputations in 140 character or less on Twitter or witnessed a friend's "hot button" Facebook post turn into knock down, drag out slug fests in the comment section. Stating your position on important social, political, or religious issues online invites not only discussion and debate, but also trolling, personal attacks, and people being deeply disappointed that who you are doesn't match up with who they want you to be.

For an author this can be devastating. In some readers their disappointment or disagreement can turn into your books landing on their "not-even-if-my-life-depended-on-it" shelf on Goodreads, a barrage of one star reviews on various sites, or calls for boycotts or bans. Given the potential for disaster it's no surprise that avoidance and neutrality are a popular 1-2 combination.  It's good advice and I totally understand why a lot of authors swear follow it.

I just can't be one of them.

I'm a woman. I'm a mother. I'm Black. I'm queer. I'm a feminist. I'm sex positive. I'm so many things and all of who I am influences what I write, how I write it, and why I'm moved to tell the stories I do. My brand isn't just about the work I produce, it's also about the values and beliefs I hold.

As an author my words are everything. They're how I bring my characters to life, entertain and engage my audience, build relationships, and participate in Romancelandia's community. My words (and actions but that's a whole other post) speak my truth. If branding is about managing reader expectations so they know who I am, believe in the value of what I'm offering, and understand what they can expect from me and my books, then I can't do anything other than be my authentic self.

And y'all, my authentic self is someone who can't co-sign oppression or injustice by pretending I don't see, comprehend, or hear what's going on around me. My authentic self is someone who is compelled to add my voice to the chorus of those demanding racial justice. My authentic self is someone who stands up for the civil, legal, social, and human rights of oppressed people. My authentic self is someone who doesn't let misogyny or misogynoir go unchallenged. My authentic self is someone who doesn't go along to get along, even if it means having uncomfortable conversations with friends and family or acknowledging when I'm the one who's been loud and wrong.

I realize I'm taking a risk and I'm okay with that. I was told recently (while discussing a completely different subject) not to be afraid of alienating the wrong reader. If using my voice and my platform to speak up for the things I believe in and speak out against the things I find intolerable drives some potential readers and Romancelandia residents away from me, then hopefully it will draw others to me.

Words have power. They can enlighten or enrage. They can bring people together or push them apart. They can build people up or break them down. They can be the first, last, or only line of defense against inequality or injustice. My words are my sword and shield. I will wield them mindfully, purposefully, and with intention but I will wield them.

I wish you the ability, bravery, and safety to do the same.

XOXO,
Dylan

We've all heard the saying "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" and that's definitely true. Preparation is an important part of succeeding at any endeavor and a key component of preparation is planning. You can't turn a dream into reality without some sort of a plan. There's no getting around the fact that you have to put in work before you can effectively start pursuing your goals, and make no mistake, figuring out how to do things, who to speak to, where to get information and resources, and why you should (or shouldn't) do xyz is work in and of itself.

Because planning and preparation is work it's easy to get stuck there. As a writer, if I spend my time researching, networking, reading craft books, attending workshops, engaging readers on social media platforms, plotting, and plotting, and plotting even more, I'm putting in work. I see the results of that work when I look at the improvement of my technical or creative writing abilities, increased understanding of the business side of romance writing, meaningful relationships I've cultivated with other authors, bloggers, and readers, and increased social media visibility (it's easy to increase when you start with none lol). I've spent the last six months or so planning and prepping and planning and prepping. I've dedicated time, effort, and energy into planning a writing career and laying a foundation for it. I'm by no means "done" because a lot of this work is an ongoing process (such as engaging w/readers and learning about the craft) but I have put in work.

The problem is I haven't put down words. I've been stuck in the planning stage. Planning requires time, energy, effort, and pays off in tangible results so I've been feeling myself like my name is Nicki Minaj.  Like, yaaas queen, slay levels of feeling accomplished.

Well, y'all reality came in over the weekend and snatched every last one of my edges.

My "Well, damn" moment came when another author asked me if I had any books out, and if not when was my release date.

Y'all.

Fam.

After all my prepping, plotting, and planning...I was caught unprepared. The reason I was unprepared is because when it comes to actually writing my books I've done a maximum of preparation but a minimum amount of execution. I've read craft books, done writing exercises, taken online courses, listened to podcasts, subscribed to newsletters, watched tutorials and made all kinds of plans...but I've put very few of them into motion.

Now, don't misunderstand. It isn't that I haven't written at all. It's that I haven't written consistently. I haven't pushed forward with writing my book because I've been getting everything set up, you see. I've been making sure I'm prepared and have my plan in place. The perfect schedule. The perfect system. The perfect support network. The perfect way to utilize the various social media platforms. I needed all of the parts of my plan in place and then I could clack clack on the keyboard and make the magic happen.

That was the dream, anyway. The reality is something else altogether. Without even realizing it I've been procrastinating. Those of you who know me, know my tendency to procrastinate is something I've actively tried ridding myself of over the last few months. Evidently, I need to both try harder and get better at realizing when it dresses itself up as something else. Spending three weeks planning something that should have only taken three minutes isn't planning, it's procrastinating.

At the end of the day, preparation and planning has to be done with purpose. If I'm not executing, if I'm not putting all of that work towards achieving something, then I'm doing a whole lot of pretty procrastination. Yes, I'm working but I'm not moving forward. I can read all the craft books ever written and attend every workshop offered but that knowledge does me no good if I don't use it.

So, moving forward, I'm spending less time planning and more time doing. And keeping a sharp eye out for any other slick disguises procrastination slips into so I can make sure it doesn't slink its way back up in here.

What about you guys? Are you planning or are you doing? And if you're planning are you really planning, or are you procrastinating. And if so, why? Leave a comment and let me know.

XOXO,
Dylan

Waking up Sunday morning and finding out about the mass shooting at Pulse made my heart heavy and my spirit weary. As more details emerged about what happened and why, my devastation and disgust grew, along with my anger and feelings of just being done.

I'm Black. I'm female. I'm queer. Living a life where those three things intersect means living with the fact and the fear that there are people who wish death and damnation upon me simply for existing. There are people who would hurt, maim, or even kill me with no hesitation and no regrets because their hatred means more to them than my life. That's not me being paranoid; that's me being real.

There are days when I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of living my life with an ever present awareness of my own mortality because other people refuse to acknowledge my humanity. Sunday was one of those days.

Then of course there are the "other" people. The people who would never stoop so low as to attack me physically because that's going too far and thus not okay. See, these people don't hate me, they just disagree with my "lifestyle choices."  They aren't bigots, they're "traditionalists" who just don't think I should have all the same rights as they do. They aren't transphobic, they're just using common sense to protect women and children from predators! They aren't racists, they're just tired of "overly sensitive" POC objecting to their  appropriation...I mean appreciation, of other cultures and calling out...I mean complaining about, things like accurate representation, diversity and inclusion. They aren't misogynists, they're just sick to death of the "feminist agenda". They can't imagine why anyone would accuse them of misogynoir for saying Antonia "Toya" Wright is Lil Wayne's baby mama but referring to Gwen Stefani as Gavin Rossdale's ex-wife. 

They won't plant a pipe bomb under my church, attack me with bottles and bricks for walking down the street holding hands with another woman, or outright say I belong in the kitchen barefoot, pregnant, and making sandwiches but they are no less dangerous than the people who would.

The reality is these are the people who agree with, support, and elect the hateful, hate filled politicians who then create bills and legislation to reinforce their marrow deep belief that because of my race, gender, and sexuality I am less than and they should have the legal right to treat me as such.

See, it's these "other" folks, these "reasonable" folks, who protect, promote, and pass down the toxic masculinity, homophobia, racism, transphobia and hate that produce the Omar Mateen's, Ronald Edward Gay's, and Eric Rudolph's of the world.

Let's be really, crystal clear about something: What happened at Pulse was a terrorist attack. What happened at Pulse was a hate crime. What happened at Pulse was a targeted attack on the LGBTQA community at large and trans and queer people of color in particular. It was evil. It was cowardly. It was heartbreaking and rage inducing.

What it's not is some unexplainable, isolated incident. Omar Mateen may well have been an ISIS sympathizer and supporter but make no mistake, his homophobia was home grown, right here in the good old U.S.A. There is an ugly, undeniable history in this country of physical, emotional, and legislative violence against members of the LGBTQA community. From bombings to bashings to raids to the refusal of rights and services the list of attacks, indignities and injustices we have endured here at home is long and shameful.

There are some uncomfortable, ugly truths about why this happened that we must confront. It's really tempting to pass the buck on this tragedy, otherize Omar Mateen and pretend he's someone else's problem, someone else's doing. But that would be a lie. He was our problem. He was our doing. We cannot blame this on ISIS. We cannot blame this on Islam. We cannot blame this on a "lone gunman" and we cannot cry that the devil made him do it. Having a hundred foot wall on the border and denying sanctuary to refugees wouldn't have kept it out and no matter how sincere they may be, offering up thoughts and prayers won't make it stop.

So what can we do?

We can be honest about how hateful, harmful, and potentially deadly all expressions of  homophobia, racism, and misogyny are. Whether it's a slur, a slap in the face, or a Sunday morning sermon, it all feeds into the monster used to justify the murder, maltreatment, and oppression of an entire group of people. It's not "just an opinion." It's not a "requirement of faith". It's not a "traditional value". It's hate and it's unacceptable.

We can exercise our right to vote, especially during mid-term and local elections which can be crucial. We can elect officials who will use their power to fight for the dignity and equality of all of their constituents rather than just a privileged few.

We can call out our church and community leaders when they are silent in the face of homophobic and racial violence.

We can hold our elected officials accountable for the choices they make and the causes they support. It's inexcusable that we have become a country where mass shootings are a regular occurrence. Igor Volsky's Twitter is a great place to start for those concerned with gun control and wanting to know which politicians accepted donations from the NRA and where they stand on the issue.

We can support local charities and outreach programs that are LGBTQA friendly, and especially those that are trans friendly. If you can't donate money, consider volunteering. If that's not possible, maybe the next you clean out your kids closet (or your own!) consider donating clothing, shoes, books, and toys that are in good condition (seriously y'all, I cannot emphasize this enough please make sure they're in good condition) or next time you do a grocery run pick up a few hygiene products (as someone who worked in a DV shelter I can tell you tampons, pads, diapers, and wipes are always needed and appreciated) and donate those.

We can be a safe space and support system for the people in our lives who are members of the LGBTQA community. We can listen, we can learn (and unlearn!), we can amplify (not speak over) the voices of those who might not otherwise be heard and we can give them our visible, tangible, consistent support.

Most importantly, we can strive to make sure that those who come after us do better. Whether it's our own child, or a younger sibling, or someone we're mentoring we have got to do everything we can to break the cycle of handing down hate to next generation.

We can let them know words have power and should be used for healing and not hurting.

We can teach them that doing things like calling someone by their preferred pronoun or respecting their gender identity isn't some imposition on religious freedom but is instead basic human decency.

We can emphasize the difference between tolerance and acceptance, steering them towards the latter.

We can instill in them the desire to empathize with and understand those who are different, rather than ostracize and fear them.

We can raise little boys who know it's okay to paint their nails or play with dolls, that pulling pigtails isn't "flirting but is actually disrespecting boundaries and not okay, and that they're allowed to express emotions other than anger without being ridiculed or called "soft".

We can raise little girls who know they have the only say in what happens to their body, that setting fire to themselves to keep another warm is never an option, who understand that choosing not to be a wife or mother is a valid choice worthy of respect, and who believe that they have the right to dream just as big, hustle just as hard, and be rewarded just as richly as their male counterparts.

Above all else, we can share with the children in our lives the understanding that love is love is love is love and there's nothing "sinful", or shameful or disgusting to be found in love.

XOXO,
Dylan

• Get Your Mind Right: If attitude is everything I need to change how I think about Monday. Rather than looking at is as an end to my weekend freedom and the beginning of a long week of stress, I'll view it as the harbinger of opportunity. If I didn't meet my goals last week, it's a clean slate and a do-over. If I had a great week, a new Monday is an opportunity to build on that and keep pushing forward. I need to change my associations and perceptions of Monday and what it means. This won't be without it's challenges, but I'm up for it.

• Ease On Down The Road: I've always gone into Mondays head on, geared up and ready for war. Monday meant doing all the things, starting all the new projects, and being productive with a capitol "P". No more of that. I'm changing my approach. Monday is going to be the day that eases me into the rest of the week. The day I do "light" tasks. Revise my calendar and plan out my schedule. Make phone calls. Get things in order so the rest of the week flows. It'll be a lot easier to meet Monday with an action plan rather than a battle strategy.

You are what you think you are. 

Yeah, I know that totally sounds like some new age, law of attraction, power of positive thinking blah,blah, blah but hear me out. As part of my year of yes I'm examining how self perception and internal dialogue impact my future goals and current circumstances. 

I put a lot of labels on myself. I'm a mother. I'm an introvert. I'm a writer. I'm a makeup addict. I'm a reality tv junkie. I'm a procrastinator. I'm super sensitive. I'm a coffee snob. I'm a realistic optimist. I'm a million and three things and not all of them are complimentary but they're all me. Or at least, they're all how I think of myself. And that begs a few questions:

• Are these labels accurate?
• Where did they come from? (Me, family, friends, exes, co-workers, ect)
• Do they serve a positive purpose or carry negative connotations?
• Are they hurtful or helpful?
• Would I allow or want anyone else to call me these things?
• Which ones can I or should I let go?

Hey guys! How about a round of applause for me actually getting a post up on schedule!  Go me!

Moving on from patting myself on the back, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the weather's getting warmer and someone stole an entire hour of sleep from me. All of this can only mean one thing: Spring has sprung. A lot of us welcome the change in season by breaking out the broom and banishing dust bunnies that *cough* somehow accumulated during the winter months.  As an unapologetic "neat freak" I'm a big fan of spring cleaning but this year I decided to switch it up a bit and not just clear out the clutter in my closet (bye jeans that haven't fit in five years and make me feel bad) but also take inventory of my personal life and figure out if there were relationships I was holding onto relationships I'd outgrown along with that 90's era Blossom hat with the fake daisy in the middle. .

The bad news? I totally have some cleaning to do in my personal life.  The good news? I can totally do this. I will adult and I will adult like Auntie Iyanla sat down and personally fixed my life.

As far as relationships go, once you reach a certain age for some of us it gets harder to make friends so we're kind of loathe to let go of the ones we have, even if the friendship isn't so friendly anymore. For me personally, my social anxiety, awkwardness, bouts of agoraphobia and tendency to be introverted almost to hermit-like levels make IRL, in person friendships a lot more difficult. I have a huge social circle but that's mostly because I live around family and have a million and three cousins. The  majority of my friends are old connections from college or high school. I'm fortunate that most of those friendships have grown with me, but there's one in particular that hasn't and it's a problem.

I've known X since high school and over the years we've gone from being like two peas in a pod to being more like oil and water.  It's not that either of us are bad people, it's that the adults we've become have next to nothing in common. We disagree about politics, social policy, parenting, television, books, movies, music...you name it and we're on opposite sides.  And it's draining because it makes pretty every interaction we have an exercise in avoiding conversational landmines. We're pretty much down to talking about coffee and the weather.

And coffee is getting dangerously close to being a problem because really, what kind of person prefers decaf? Decaf. That's just brown water.

But back to the point: We struggle to get along and our interactions are rarely pleasant. We don't fight, exactly. We just disagree and then are really, really polite.  You know, like Stepford Wives that are planning a murder.  The tension between us is so bad other people, including my kids, have picked up on it.  I can't imagine X is any happier in our current situation than I am but neither of us has been willing to bite the bullet and end the friendship because we've got over 20 years of history together. What kind of awful person throws away a 20 year friendship, right?

I guess I'm that kind of awful person because that's what I'm doing. I don't look at it as throwing X away, though. I'm not going to go "ghost" and just stop returning calls and block X on my social media. I'm not going to spread rumors or talk badly about X to mutual friends. I'm not going to place blame or be cruel or catty. I'm going to treat X with the respect and consideration they deserve.  I appreciate who X was to me in the past and I'm grateful for the good times we had but letting go with grace and thankfulness is, to me, a better alternative than allowing our relationship to continue to deteriorate to the point where we really can't stand each other. I'm not fooling myself into thinking it'll be easy. I'm fully aware this will be difficult but growth and change isn't always easy but it is essential.

At this point in my life, for the person I want to be, any relationship that's dysfunctional and disruptive to my spirit is a relationship that either has to change or has to go. The people we allow into our space can influence our mental and emotional health and well being. When it's in my power and control, I'm choosing for those influences to be positive, nurturing, and supportive. That's the type of energy I want to give and receive. That may sound selfish, but I look at it as a form of self-care.

I have plans for coffee tomorrow with X. I'll let you guys know how things go.

Switching gears from personal to professional, I'm slowly but surely plugging away at my projects. In the interest of being less scattered and focused, I've decided to dedicate part of Friday's blog entries to posting a snippet of what I worked on during the week.  In order to be more accountable, I'm also am going to post my daily word count totals on my social media accounts, so if you guys see me slacking you have my permission to kick me in the rear!

I'm also thinking about trying out Scrivner because two of the most talented and fabulous authors I know, Vanessa North and Megan Erickson swear it'll change my writing life for the better. It looks so complicated though and I'm intimidated, so the jury is still out. I'll let you guys know if I give it a go.

Welp, that's all I got for this Monday.  I hope you are inspired to clean out your clutter, whether it's physical or emotional and that we all accomplish our goals for the week!

XOXO,
Dylan

P.S.

• Monday Motivation: Monday posts will be my weekly "Motivator" where I lay out my plans for the week, writing goals, talk about any progress I've made or roadblocks I've run into with my work, recap my weekend and hook you guys up with whatever motivational words, music, movies, books or self-care tips are feeding my soul at the moment.

XOXO,
Dylan

P.S.