You are what you think you are. 

Yeah, I know that totally sounds like some new age, law of attraction, power of positive thinking blah,blah, blah but hear me out. As part of my year of yes I'm examining how self perception and internal dialogue impact my future goals and current circumstances. 

I put a lot of labels on myself. I'm a mother. I'm an introvert. I'm a writer. I'm a makeup addict. I'm a reality tv junkie. I'm a procrastinator. I'm super sensitive. I'm a coffee snob. I'm a realistic optimist. I'm a million and three things and not all of them are complimentary but they're all me. Or at least, they're all how I think of myself. And that begs a few questions:

• Are these labels accurate?
• Where did they come from? (Me, family, friends, exes, co-workers, ect)
• Do they serve a positive purpose or carry negative connotations?
• Are they hurtful or helpful?
• Would I allow or want anyone else to call me these things?
• Which ones can I or should I let go?

Hey guys! How about a round of applause for me actually getting a post up on schedule!  Go me!

Moving on from patting myself on the back, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the weather's getting warmer and someone stole an entire hour of sleep from me. All of this can only mean one thing: Spring has sprung. A lot of us welcome the change in season by breaking out the broom and banishing dust bunnies that *cough* somehow accumulated during the winter months.  As an unapologetic "neat freak" I'm a big fan of spring cleaning but this year I decided to switch it up a bit and not just clear out the clutter in my closet (bye jeans that haven't fit in five years and make me feel bad) but also take inventory of my personal life and figure out if there were relationships I was holding onto relationships I'd outgrown along with that 90's era Blossom hat with the fake daisy in the middle. .

The bad news? I totally have some cleaning to do in my personal life.  The good news? I can totally do this. I will adult and I will adult like Auntie Iyanla sat down and personally fixed my life.

As far as relationships go, once you reach a certain age for some of us it gets harder to make friends so we're kind of loathe to let go of the ones we have, even if the friendship isn't so friendly anymore. For me personally, my social anxiety, awkwardness, bouts of agoraphobia and tendency to be introverted almost to hermit-like levels make IRL, in person friendships a lot more difficult. I have a huge social circle but that's mostly because I live around family and have a million and three cousins. The  majority of my friends are old connections from college or high school. I'm fortunate that most of those friendships have grown with me, but there's one in particular that hasn't and it's a problem.

I've known X since high school and over the years we've gone from being like two peas in a pod to being more like oil and water.  It's not that either of us are bad people, it's that the adults we've become have next to nothing in common. We disagree about politics, social policy, parenting, television, books, movies, music...you name it and we're on opposite sides.  And it's draining because it makes pretty every interaction we have an exercise in avoiding conversational landmines. We're pretty much down to talking about coffee and the weather.

And coffee is getting dangerously close to being a problem because really, what kind of person prefers decaf? Decaf. That's just brown water.

But back to the point: We struggle to get along and our interactions are rarely pleasant. We don't fight, exactly. We just disagree and then are really, really polite.  You know, like Stepford Wives that are planning a murder.  The tension between us is so bad other people, including my kids, have picked up on it.  I can't imagine X is any happier in our current situation than I am but neither of us has been willing to bite the bullet and end the friendship because we've got over 20 years of history together. What kind of awful person throws away a 20 year friendship, right?

I guess I'm that kind of awful person because that's what I'm doing. I don't look at it as throwing X away, though. I'm not going to go "ghost" and just stop returning calls and block X on my social media. I'm not going to spread rumors or talk badly about X to mutual friends. I'm not going to place blame or be cruel or catty. I'm going to treat X with the respect and consideration they deserve.  I appreciate who X was to me in the past and I'm grateful for the good times we had but letting go with grace and thankfulness is, to me, a better alternative than allowing our relationship to continue to deteriorate to the point where we really can't stand each other. I'm not fooling myself into thinking it'll be easy. I'm fully aware this will be difficult but growth and change isn't always easy but it is essential.

At this point in my life, for the person I want to be, any relationship that's dysfunctional and disruptive to my spirit is a relationship that either has to change or has to go. The people we allow into our space can influence our mental and emotional health and well being. When it's in my power and control, I'm choosing for those influences to be positive, nurturing, and supportive. That's the type of energy I want to give and receive. That may sound selfish, but I look at it as a form of self-care.

I have plans for coffee tomorrow with X. I'll let you guys know how things go.

Switching gears from personal to professional, I'm slowly but surely plugging away at my projects. In the interest of being less scattered and focused, I've decided to dedicate part of Friday's blog entries to posting a snippet of what I worked on during the week.  In order to be more accountable, I'm also am going to post my daily word count totals on my social media accounts, so if you guys see me slacking you have my permission to kick me in the rear!

I'm also thinking about trying out Scrivner because two of the most talented and fabulous authors I know, Vanessa North and Megan Erickson swear it'll change my writing life for the better. It looks so complicated though and I'm intimidated, so the jury is still out. I'll let you guys know if I give it a go.

Welp, that's all I got for this Monday.  I hope you are inspired to clean out your clutter, whether it's physical or emotional and that we all accomplish our goals for the week!

XOXO,
Dylan

P.S.

• Monday Motivation: Monday posts will be my weekly "Motivator" where I lay out my plans for the week, writing goals, talk about any progress I've made or roadblocks I've run into with my work, recap my weekend and hook you guys up with whatever motivational words, music, movies, books or self-care tips are feeding my soul at the moment.

XOXO,
Dylan

P.S.